Certified Player Hater: Do You Own a Peloton?

Let’s face it, almost everyone bought a Peloton during the lockdowns. The beauty of having workout equipment in your home during a global pandemic is sensational. The Peloton business model is brilliant and they were able to capitalize off of the COVID shutdowns. For a cool price of $1,500 you can purchase the basic model. Don’t have the money? That’s ok because you can finance it through a $39 monthly payment for 39 months at 0% APR. But wait there’s more! In order to use the Peloton’s virtual workouts you have to pay a modest fee subscription fee of $39 a month. You can ditch your gym membership in no time.

I think about my conversations with Peloton owners and try to draw logical conclusions. The average person goes to work and comes home to relax and/or attend to the family. Working out or going to the gym isn’t necessarily built into their everyday. They start something for a week and then fall back in line because it takes work to build a routine. They make excuses like “I’ll start running once I buy those new shoes.” I can assure you it’s not the shoes or their stinky feet.

These very same people have student loan debt, a mortgage, a car payment, and they love financing fancy things. They earn a paycheck every two weeks and spend 80% of it on their monthly debts while using the residual to order Uber Eats and Starbucks. You can most likely find them wiping the Cheetos dust off their pants watching Netflix. These are some of the least resourceful people on the planet. They buy things just to buy them and have them because of trends or pop culture.

I’m so happy Peloton scammed these unmotivated assholes. These people just added another financed monthly payment to their lives on top of the perpetual monthly subscription to use the stupid thing. Now they’re stuck with this bike collecting dust in some random room. They barely use it and I’m willing to bet you that more than 50% of Peloton owners that had a gym membership didn’t cancel it. If there is one thing you can bank on its that people know it’s a hassle to cancel and they ALWAYS think they will be back soon.

The Peloton was meant for the motivated. If you are a motivated person in life and can run your own schedule then I got no problem with you owning this. But please just kill yourself if you don’t frequently workout and purchase this trash. It’s not meant for you and you’re pissing your money away. I fucking hope the CEO of Peloton is thinking about each of you losers during his workout. He probably hears the *cha ching* every repetition as your Peloton sits there alone waiting for you. You and the Peloton can go fuck yourselves.

Niko, Certified Player Hater